Dental Anguish

Many of you have wondered if I survived the dentist visit! I guess I did...I'm still here, and so are my teeth!

I was so nervous watching the clock until it was ready to leave for my appointment, pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what I was going to wear... you know just trying to keep my mind off going to the dentist! It was to early to have a beverage to relax even though it was noon someplace!

On our way into Peoria we're heading down 150, and I see this big orange truck coming in the opposite direction. What the heck is that??? As it approached us I see that it's a snow plow! I know they said it was going to rain, but did I miss the weather report for Brimfield? Are they expecting snow? WTF! It's something you just don't see in the beginning of September or is it? Then I'm thinking, snow plow,snow job, dentist...can we turn around and just go home?

We get there...pull into the parking space... get out of the car, and go in. I walk up to the front desk, and the receptionist confirms who I am. I am the only one in the waiting room, probably the only one with an appointment at 11:00! She asked me to fill out the usual forms they make you do, and I told her, I had been here before. She said yeah, but things change. I said, well...nothing has changed with me. She kept insisting so I finally told her to give it to Mr. Wonderful so he'll have something to do while I'm in the death chair.

The doctor's assistant (hygienist?) comes out, and Ms. Witch, the receptionist says...she refused to fill this out, you still wanna take her back? I just sat there, my blood's boiling at this point...do I say something or ask if I can have change for the gum ball machine?

After sitting in the reception area for about 10 minutes... counting the chairs (8 of them) looking at all the stains in the carpet, playing follow that tear in the wall paper, I finally get called to go back to the chamber.

I get taken to this tiny room with everything covered in plastic. Even the plastic was covered with plastic! What ever happened to the tissue that they used? You know the stuff that when you sat on make the crumpling noise, and when you got up it would stick to you?

I set my purse down on the floor which was not covered with plastic...now why is that?It's okay if my purse gets dirty? And say... mind if I take some before and after pictures of this chair I am about to sit in because I want to remember how it looked before I dug my fingernails into it...

Half laying down in this uncomfortable recliner thinking why did I wear flip flops because every one knows the way your feet are hanging down they don't want to stay on so I am going to have to keep curling my toes, and fiddling with my feet to keep my shoes from flopping off!

Then here comes the bib around my neck...I think the hygienist must have read my blog because she put it on tighter than usual...um, could you loosen up that chain around my neck? You're choking me! And get my hair out of the way!!!

After numerous questions... the first one being how come you didn't want to fill this form out? Has any medical information changed?
NO... but she had to ask me all of them again... I guess just to make sure.

Then in comes the dentist... all happy with this big white smile! Did he just see what insurance company I had?

He sits down on the squeaky stool, snaps on his latex gloves, puts on his white mask, and starts asking me more questions...

Are those your teeth?

No I borrowed them from the neighbor because they were to chicken to come here!

How do you eat with those teeth?

I don't...I use them to open up beer bottles

Do you have Dental insurance?

Yep...do you have life insurance?


Let me get a medical history on you... (again)...Are you pregnant?

Am I pregnant? ARE YOU SERIOUS? me?...did you look at my birthday? The only think I am carrying is a Louis Vuitton bag! And why ask such a question...did I take a wrong turn some where,? Am I'm in the gyne office or is this something new...dentist's check every cavity?

Then the BIG question...what do you want to do today?

Well, that's not hard to answer...how about winning the lotto, or a cruise on the Caribbean or better yet, anything but be sitting here!

Then comes the biggy...your teeth just aren't worth saving...you are going to need dentures! Um, yeah, right...

I think I went off in this daze because all kinds of things were going through my mind like a bad case of diarrhea...I can't use the excuse anymore... not tonight honey...I've got a toothache!No No No honey...don't drink water out of that glass! My teeth are in there! Yeah can you pick up a gallon of milk, some bread and a tube of Fixodent? No...I am NOT taking them OUT! I don't care if it is every man's fantasy! Do you have a drive up window so I can drop off my teeth to be cleaned? Or now when some one says "bite me" I can hand them my teeth, and say...here, bite yourself! Oh, and can I have different colors for the holidays? You know red, white and blue for the fourth of July? And don't forget to have some Billy Bob teeth made so I can freak people out at those fancy stuck up cocktail parties I hate going to! And oh yeah, some diamond studded teeth, maybe some gold caps in front because those are so fashionable now!

And then I have to post a classified ad...

Give Away to good home...1 toothbrush because according to my dentist it's been NEVER used!

I've got a decision to make in a split second, and I don't do decisions very good. It takes me a while to think of what I want. What do I do? And all I'm thinking is how fast can I run? Especially in these flip flops!

I let them do impressions, yeah the stuff that they claim tastes like spearmint, peppermint or whatever they claim to be the flavor of the day. I figure, this will buy me some more time to think about what I am going to do. Like...never coming back!

The nice hygienist says she's going to give me a new toothbrush...What? as a souvenir of my visit? It's probably got some cheesy advertisement on it...

I couldn't get out of that chair fast enough, and back out to the waiting room where Mr. Wonderful is standing there oh yeah...with a stack of appointment cards in his hand. Seems like they told him their plans before I was able talk to him. I have another appointment in 2 1/2 weeks...If they really want me to come back, they should have made the appointment sooner!

So, we are standing there and I say, I really need this one tooth taken care of right away, and Ms. Witch says to me...are you sure?Is it worth spending the extra money? I didn't have to hesitate one second before blurting out yes it is! I don't care how much it costs! I want this tooth fixed! And so she says the first appointment for that is October! Yes, a month away! Forget it...I'll go someplace else~

We leave, and I am fit to be tied...Mr. Wonderful asks what I want to do, and I said... I need to go shopping! Because that was the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better! I need to buy something I don't need, want or can use. Something tacky would be nice!

Before we headed back home, we went and had lunch. Now can you think of a better thing to do after you just went to the dentist? Was this going to be my last meal with my own choppers?

I was so glad to be back home...will I keep that next appointment? I don't know...I have to think about this really hard! I'm having a lot of Dental Anguish!

And where's my new friggin' toothbrush?

I'm getting ready for my dentist appointment...

And I come across this article in the paper...this is not what I needed to see!

Dentist faces battery charges :: News Sun :: News

I'm eating lots of garlic tonight

because...I have to go to the DENTIST tomorrow!

I can't think of anything worse than GOING TO THE DENTIST! And yours truly will be sittin' in the dental chair tomorrow having my mouth probed, and prodded as I sit there in pools of sweat, feeling my heart racing, wondering if I bite him, will he not hurt me?

I have been putting off this visit for some time because well, I just don't like the dentist...I don't like needles, drills,the sharp pics or having my tongue pressed down with a wooden spatula.

I don't like the taste of cotton in my mouth unless it's from a nasty hangover. And BTW, that stuff you said tastes like peppermint... tastes like horse shit.

I don't like the paper bib they put around your neck because it always gets tangled in my hair, and when it comes off it rips a few hairs with it!

I don't like trying to keep my mouth open for several minutes without swallowing, and then drooling out the side of my mouth, down my chin and feeling saliva on my neck wetting the collar of my shirt.

I don't like those little plastic xray films they put in your mouth that cut into your gums and you have to sit still until the hygienist returns after fifteen minutes while she gets as far away from the radiation, but I'm safe because of that heavy apron they lay across you, and I'm thinking, who shut off the air conditioning?

Then the dentist comes in with a BIG magnifying mirror so you can look at the inside of your mouth and your disgusting teeth...Hey, I know what they look like, you don't so get that mirror out of my face!

And as long as he's got the magnifying gear on, why doesn't he pluck my eye brows because he just made it clear with the bright lights and magnifying glass, I'm in dire need of massive plucking, and while your at it Doc, can you check my nose and see if I got any wild hairs sprouting?

The good news will be that I need a root canal, implants, extractions, or dentures...so what's the bad news? I won't be getting a new toothbrush because they don't give them out anymore? How about a piece of Carmel sitting out in that bowl that resembles a big tooth out on the counter? Or see you in 6 months because your insurance company pays well.

I don't like the dentist...Never have... never will change my mind. I would rather give birth to an adult elephant or listen to someone scratch a chalk board with their fingernails! I would rather eat glass, and have a warm piss chaser to wash it down...I would rather cut up all of my 57 credit cards...oh wait, that's a bit extreme! Now I'm out of control! Well, I think you know by now how I feel about the DENTIST!

And who ever thought up that slogan so many dentist's use...Gentle Dentistry? There's no such thing so don't try and bull shit me! It's to lure innocent victim's in oral horror!

So, I wonder, who cleans Dentist's teeth? Do they do it themselves, and if it hurts they know to use that technique on the next patient? Or do Dentist's practice "Gentle Dentistry" only on each other because if you have ever noticed, Dentist's always have nice teeth!

I just wonder what goes through the dentist's mind as he sitting there on that squeaky stool, examining the inside of my mouth...ripping my lips apart, Can he smell the garlic I ate last night? Pay back's a bitch ain't it? Hurt me and I'll chew right through that awful tasting latex glove of yours!

And what's with that mask they wear? Did they just get done robbing a 7eleven? Oh wait, it was the patient before me! Or is it so I can't smell HIS bad breath...Phew!

And is he thinking...I wonder what color leather interior I'll pick out for that new Lamborghini I'll be getting after this insurance claim goes through, and she's done paying her out of pocket expenses?

Then comes the most painful experience of all...you got to wait until they check to make sure your insurance will pay for all of this dental work, and then you gotta come back in a week and do this all over again!

Dr. Seuss should have wrote a book about going to the DENTIST...I don't like them, Not even with Green Eggs and Ham!

So, tomorrow is dental death day for me, my most biggest fear... THE DENTIST!

When he takes the "before and after" pictures, I'll make sure I get an 8x10 glossy, four 5x7 suitable for framing prints, and 32 wallet size to hand out to my closest friends, and gee don't forget to print me up some Valentine Cards so I'll be sure not to get one stinking box of chocolates next year!

And to you Mr. Wonderful... don't be reminding me tonight that I have to be ready in the morning because I know... I have to go to the DENTIST! And you mention it one time you'll be seeing your teeth listed on eBay!

Have a Pink day tomorrow?
Yeah...My A$$

A little bit of Pink :)

The only thing better than compliments is shopping, and it's a close race between the two if you ask me. Who doesn't like to hear what a great job you've done or what you have accomplished or better yet... "that outfit sure makes you look thin"!

I got an email from one of my "bestest" friends whom I have known for evar! Our friendship goes way back to the beginning of High School, and we have continued to keep in touch all these years. Hi *B* :) yeah, I'm talking about you so you can blush that nice shade of pink while reading this...Now quit laughing at your desk and get back to work!

I was talking to her on the phone last week, telling her about my blog, and she sounded interested in reading it so I sent her the link. It's not only my web log, but all about yours truly...Me! :) And life with Flamingo's and other every day tacky thoughts.

She responded back to me saying how funny I was...that she didn't know that I could write, and that I should write a book! I had to write her back and tell her that it's not that I know "how to" write or that I'm funny, it's just that my life is so hilarious! Thank you *B* for the inspiration, but I think I'll stick to buying books instead of writing them.

I think a lot, probably to much at times so I should write my thoughts down, but then if I posted them all I would overwhelm everyone either into boredom or suicide. Slitting one's wrist would probably be less painful than reading my incoherent ramblings.

I can't tell you how many people ask me about my Flamingo's, my passion for pink, and what does my husband thinks of them. Here is a summary in a egg shell... a little bit of all about Pink.

Back in about 1987 I got introduced to Flamingo's. It started in one room in which I wanted a tropical feeling, and flamingo's and palm trees where what first came to my mind. Okay, sandy beaches and fancy cocktails with little paper umbrellas were on my list too... And there it is, the birth of my flamingo collection. Over the years they started to migrate from indoors to outdoors and then in every room in the house. I would say, I am an incurable collector.

I have always loved the color pink. I don't know, maybe because it's pretty or it's feminine, I don't know. Pink is just me! I Love pink so much, I once named a dog of mine "Pinky". I would have named her Flamingo, but it just didn't sound right...

As for Mr. Wonderful, I told him when we met, luv me, luv my flamingos, and he does. I was thinking the other day...in one of my first posts I referred to him as the "Big Bird". He wasn't happy about his anonymous name so I had to think of something else. I thought, good thing I don't collect roosters because then I could refer to him as The Big Coc... oh, never mind...that will really get me in trouble! With some of his input like, King, Master, Big Kahuna, Chief, etc., I decided on Mr. Wonderful. It fits him...even when I'm being sarcastic! Hey it's my blog and I can do what ever I want!

One final word then I'll shut up about how I love being me...We moved here a month and a half ago, and I have met more neighbors, and made more new friends than I did when we lived in Peoria for almost 6 years. The other day, the neighbor's daughter came over, introduced herself, and had an invitation in her hand for us to attend her parent's surprise B'day party. She just wanted to include us being the new neighbors and all! Now what do you get someone you barely know, especially an over the hill gag gift? I had my pink brain storm and thought why not order a flock to be delivered with the greeting card? It' s temporary, and everybody knows, plastic pink flamingos don't mess up the yard with bird doo. Plus, it is sooooo me!

So, I talked to the guy who does this thing...and it's a done deal. How cool is that? I will share with you the pink flock after the fact...I can hardly wait! And if anyone out there in Pink Flamingo Land gets the urge or just a pink feeling like sending a tacky greeting, I will be posting more info in the future. I might add...they are going to include a toilet with some plastic daisy's...hope the neighbors have a sense of humor like me! I love it!

Have A Pink Day!

Search continues for aviation adventurer Steve Fossett - CNN.com

Search continues for aviation adventurer Steve Fossett - CNN.com

WTF? Plane Carrying Steve Fossett Missing?

So sad...I follow this guy like a flock of Flamingo's~ where are you Steve?

Plane Carrying Steve Fossett Missing - AOL News

How I Spent My Labor Day Weekend....

Like any one cares....Well, it was eventful... or so I think so! Saturday, we went shopping (my favorite past time) except we went to Menard's, and Home Depot, but you know, I can always find something there...Haha Mr. Wonderful... you thought you were going to take me to some place where I couldn't spend money?


We stopped in Great Escape... what a store! I love it! Oh, there goes the money in the check book! (sorry honey)


Off to the Cellular place because MY cell phone doesn't work out here in Flamingo Haven! Of course they tried to sell me a NEW phone that cost twice as much, but I don't want to give up my old phone and have to re-enter all my contacts and lose my saved information. Looks like I'll be stuck with the land line at home, and only use my cell phone when I leave.


Then, we went to the Farmer's Market...where have all the zucchini's gone? I walked up and down looking for zucchini's, and no one had zucchini's! Am I too late? What's up with that? So, we got some sweet corn, plums, avocado's, and peaches. Nothing like getting some home grown produce along with the fruit flies! I don't think they charged extra for those either :)


I was going to dedicate a whole paragraph or maybe I should say vent about people who shop with food stamps, and carry Louis Vuitton, Prada, or Burberry purses, and then I thought, oh...just let it go! I just don't get it! Do they take them to the welfare office with them? I know there are knock off designer bags, but those are expensive too! Then I watch them get into their Lexus or Caddie, and I wonder, do they make a fake Lexus? And where can I get one?


So much for Saturday...Sunday I decided to pull weeds in what I think is suppose to be a garden. It looked nice to me, a lot of greenery (weeds) with my fake flowers in-between. Now it's cleared out, and all that's left is some dirt, and a couple of fake flowers. Mr. Wonderful was going to the hardware store again...you know the one where you save more money at... to get some peg board (it's a guy thing) so I said, Hey honey, you want to pick me up some perennials? Of course he came back with the big question mark on his face... what's a perennial? Never mind...by the time I explain it, snow will be on the ground.


I took some pictures, but if I don't want to see myself in divorce court in the near future, I better not post them. I did take new pictures of the burgers Mr. Wonderful grilled on the Weber this weekend...they actually looked like burgers, and not hockey pucks! And I might add... they were delish!


We had good intentions of making it into Peoria for the Labor Day parade on Monday, but Mr. Wonderful decided he was going to mow the lawn. Hey, I wasn't going to stop him from doing that! Finally the lawn is mowed and it looks great! Better yet...I don't have to do it! Yippee!


I didn't talk to my Mom over the long weekend, but thought about the last conversation we had on Friday. She told me she wanted to get "spanked." Hmmm I thought to myself, why would anyone want to get spanked unless in her old age she's getting kinky! She said she has lost weight, and needs something to hold in her stomach. So what does that have to do with spankings Mom? Do spankings burn calories, and tighten up tummy muscles? (no wonder I was thin as a kid!) She said they sell them on QVC (her favorite shopping place)...Oh, you mean Spanx's, like those spandex thingies...Now I know what you mean! Duh! What was I thinking? How many Spanx do you want Mom? hehe


We drank lots of beer because hey, what's a three day weekend without three hangovers? Every morning I woke up feeling a little sluggish, okay, well a lot sluggish, my mouth felt like I had stuffed cotton balls in it, and the coffee tasted like I got the water from the toilet. Mr. Wonderful said he didn't get hangovers... That's because you're still drunk honey!


It was a great weekend... we couldn't have asked for better weather, and it was packed with a lot of fun and laughter. To think this marks the end of summer, and now I have to put all my white shoes away until Memorial Day! Who made up that rule? It couldn't have been Pat Boone because I think he wore his all year long.

And before I forget...A BIG pink thank-you to MannMaids for going over to the other house mowing the lawn, and cleaning up the yard! It looks awesome! BoomDone! And I didn't have to do it! I'll drink to that~