Surprise!

Yesterday our neighbor's surprise birthday party took place. You couldn't have asked for more perfect weather! Everything went as planned!

Greetings in the Grass were there and set up the flock of Flamingo's I ordered. BTW! They were awesome! Not only the Flamingo's but the guys themselves! I would highly recommend them. They were there on time to set up all the flamingo's and the Happy Birthday banner.

Okay...this picture isn't so good because I took it!

Darlene, on the other hand, the photographer that I hired did an incredible job capturing everybody including the surprised couple, "the guests of honor"! I was there snapping photos with my dinky digital camera (hint hint Mr. Wonderful) but they didn't come out as well as I expected. I thought I did good considering I had a drink in one hand and the camera in the other!

Food was spectacular, and of course there was a lot! I was so busy mingling and meeting new neighbors, I didn't get a chance to eat, but our wonderful neighbors stopped over this morning and brought us extra food that was left over. Now isn't that the sweetest!

I took over 200 pictures yesterday, so every time my little memory card would fill up I would have to come back to our house, download a bunch of them and go back to the party. Good thing I didn't have to go to Walgreen's, and wait for them to be developed! And it's a good thing the party was next door!

My last trip to the house to download pictures was an unexpected surprise...I set my drink down on the counter, did the photo thing and came back. My beer was just about emptied so I thought I would get another one before I headed back to the party. I took the one last swig, and there was something in there! I immediately started spitting beer all over our kitchen floor and there was a wasp! Yes, I got stung in the lip big time! This is going to be good! Especially since the photographer left, and she put me in charge of taking the pictures for the rest of the evening. Imagine how I looked with this big fat upper lip! I kinda liked it, now I know what I look like if I ever did the Botox thing! I went back to the party, and introduced myself as Angelina Jollie!

Some one did take a picture of me with the fat lip but sorry....I am NOT posting it!

What a great surprise party it was, but I wasn't surprised that something embarrassing happened to me! Got another party going on today...tune in tomorrow to see what happens to me today!

The Latest Breast Cancer Scare...

I wasn't going to blog about this but I thought, why not...everybody else probably will, and while it's fresh in my mind... go for it!

Now there's the new study about breast cancer and women drinking...excuse me, but don't men have breasts too? or do they have to have a cup size to be in the minority? I forgot...they only have mugs!

They tell you to drink a glass a wine a day to prevent heart disease...so what, you live to be 100 years old but what, your tits won't be hanging down to your waist?

I am not going to rant and rave on this subject because you know how much I think so I am going to rely on comments to help me through this. But...

I think it's men who want to rid us women on the planet...probably a couple of my ex-husbands are in on this! Why is it that you can go to a bar, saloon, drinking factory, what ever you want to call it, and they always have "Ladies Night"? We drink for free!!! Oh yeah and there's no surgeon general warning on my beer mug!

For one thing, if you have ever had a mammogram, you need a drink before it to get up the courage to stick your tit in a machine that is going to squash it like a pancake. Then you need a drink afterwards because the pain is so friggin' unbelievable you absolutely need the liquid pain killer. Maybe you well endowed women don't experience what us "A"- cupper's experience. Yeah, that's right, A minus! Try stretching your skin about a foot away! It would almost be like stretching your ear into the machine! Enough said...I think/hope the men got the idea!

Now that I'm all rilled up...I need a drink! And probably a mammogram tomorrow instead of a extra strength Tylenol!~

Hot Peppers for a Hangover

So, I am out in what is suppose to be a garden that the previous owner planted, and I see this plant that has on it little green and red peppers. I have seen them before and thought, good...I'll have my own red and green peppers! I Love peppers! I have been watching them for a couple months now and they aren't growing. I thought maybe I should be sprinkling a little miracle grow on then and that would make them grow bigger and faster.

Today, I decided to pick one off the stem and break it open to see what's inside. Yep, there's seeds in there just like a pepper is supposed to have. And yep, it looks just like the inside of a pepper! So, what do I do, being curious? I gotta see if it taste's just like a pepper.

OMG! It's a pepper alright! A hot pepper! Fuggin' hottest pepper I have ever had in my mouth! Wait a minute, I have NEVER had a hot pepper in my mouth! At least not as hot as this one!

So, I'm out in front, spitting out this pepper, or at least trying to...seeds and all, my mouth is on fire, my lips are burning, and I'm trying to wipe my mouth and lips with my t-shirt! I can't get into the house fast enough and get to the fridge and think...what is they say takes the burn away. I know they say milk, I don't have any...well, I have soy milk! Take a swig of that...nope, that's not gonna work...My eyes are tearing, my nose running like Niagara Falls, I don't know what to do first! Blow my nose or wipe my eyes! Oh no...don't wipe your eyes with the pepper oil on your fingers! Too late...oh crap! Get the water on my eyes fast...then to the freezer to look for something cold...Ahhh french fries! So, here I sit, sucking on a frozen tater...Puttin' out the fire in my mouth!

One good thing from this experience...it cured my hangover!

Now WTF are these? Purple Peppers? I am not tasting them!

I think to much!

And for some reason today I am thinking more than usual...imagine that?

It started when I woke up this morning, and started thinking about the dream I had last night. Some guy breaks into our house and is going to rob us. He grabs me, and I ask him if I can go get my camera because this is damn good blogging shit! He has a gun to my ribs and announces if I don't shut the F up, he's gonna pop me. And then I ask...Oh gee, can I go change my outfit because I don't want to be caught dead wearing this! And then I woke up...

I take my shower, get out and stand in front of the mirror like a glutton for punishment, and think...who stole my figure? I used to have one. It's like, here today, gone tomorrow! Sucking in my belly, trying to look "thin"... it's not working. I used to have an hour glass figure, well, I guess I still do... just a little more sand.

I think I don't put my spectacles on in the morning because I don't want to scare the crap out of myself! Who's that old lady in my bathroom! I open up the drawer and start pulling out tons of makeup...This will cover up the imperfections, this will hide the tiny wrinkles because it says so right here on the package! Then pull out every kind of moisturizer that has ever been manufactured on this planet.


I'm thinking while I've got my Conair 1875 watt hair dryer blasting away...I hope the doorbell doesn't ring before I get done. It could be a hurricane, and it would still take 15 minutes for my hair to dry. It's not that I have really thick hair, I think that when you HAVE to dry your hair fast the water must have been wetter.

Then out of the blue, I get the word "TURD" in my mind...Who came up with that word? Turd, and why isn't it spelled "t-i-r-d" because it rhymes "bird." Oh you gotta love the English language! Then I'm thinking about when I first started my blog, and I referred to Mr. Wonderful as the Big Bird... I could have easily made some typo's when I was pissed off at him, and referred to him as the Big Tird. Sorry Honey...I thought I did spell check :) Well, it's to late to go back to that...so back to the turd...why isn't it spelled TORD because it rhymes with WORD? The only reason I can come up with why the word TURD popped into my mind could stem from reading an article in this morning Peoria Journal Star about someone busted for selling undersized turtles or were they turdles? Little Turds?

So, I have to get ready this morning to greet the heating and cooling dude who was here last week to clean and check the furnace's but has to return because me, yours truly, forgot to have him clean and check one more. I got to thinking about the first conversation I had with the appointment scheduler...It went something like this:
I'd like to schedule an appointment to have our furnace's cleaned and checked...
(Note the word FURNACE'S - plural, meaning more than one)
I explain that we moved, but I would like the furnace in the old house cleaned and checked. The house is for sale but it still needs to be done for the winter.
Now on to house number two...
I would like to have the FURNACE'S cleaned and checked at the new house we're in.
If it's a new house, you don't need the furnace checked.
It's not a new house, but it's new to us because we just bought it. And it has furnace's
How old is the furnace?
I don't know, the previous owners didn't leave birth certificates for them.
When would be a good day for you?
Any day, any time, you tell me...So, I get the appointment and tell the scheduler to leave enough time because there's two furnace's and one boiler.
He says to me...there's NO WAY you have two furnace's and a boiler! Are you sure?
Yes...I'm sure!
But nobody has two furnace's and a boiler...I've never heard of such a thing.
Well, I'm not making this shit up, maybe it's your lucky day! We HAVE two furnace's and a boiler! Now, I am not going to argue with this boob...Please just schedule enough time so that I am not told they have to come back because they didn't allow enough time to clean two furnace's and a boiler!

The two furnace's... yes two, and the boiler were cleaned and checked, and the guy was here on Friday for over three hours.

Now imagine this...I have to call them back because, I didn't know there was ANOTHER furnace! It's hiding, tucked away in a room that I didn't even know existed until this past weekend. The in-laws were here and M'In-law asks what's in that room? Mr. Wonderful says, oh, just a furnace. Oh shit, you mean another one? I have to call THEM back and tell them we have another one! This is going to be fun! NOT!

I begged and pleaded with Mr. Wonderful to please make this phone call because they are going to think now I'm really making this shit up! They didn't believe me when I told them about the first two and now I discover another one? They are going to think I am some kind of lonely bitch who wants company during the day while the husband is away, or maybe I'm hallucinating, and seeing furnace's! Don't be surprised if the men in white coats show up with a new jacket for me honey!

So, the guy shows up, and says...you gotta be kidding me! There's a furnace up there? Yep that's right, don't ask me, we didn't put it up there, we bought the house like this, um in other words, we don't just go around thinking what would be a weird place to put a furnace! Oh and by the way, an air conditioner is in there too!


See that little door up there? Yep that's where the furnace is!

So, I am thinking about my next dreaded dental appointment which I originally had for this Thursday! Why does the dentist office make an appointment for you weeks ahead in advance only to cancel it, and move it out another week? I'm all prepared for the torture treatment on Thursday, and now I have to do it all over again?


Mr. Wonderful drives me to my dental appointments because I think if it were up to me, I would be coming up with excuses why to cancel...Um, my car has four flat tires and I only have one spare...I'm going to have to cancel. Um, my car ran out of gas, and I have to walk fifteen miles in these 4 inch heels, can I reschedule? Um, I locked myself inside the car, and I have to wait until someone gets here to open the door, I'll call you back to reschedule when I get out...


So this receptionist (I have solely named Aunt Bee because she looks like Andy Taylor's suppose to "Be Aunt") tells me that they have to reschedule my appointment, and gives me a couple of choices for days next week. I told her that I would have to check with Mr. Wonderful, and get back to her....She asks me for the SECOND time,in a nasty voice "why don't you just drive yourself?" I had to sit back, clinch my teeth for a second, thinking what the "F" is it to her? I'm going to set this NAG straight once and for all...In a sweet and innocent voice I tell her...I would drive myself, but... I'm legally blind, and I don't think it would be a good idea for me to be on the road...My vision is deteriorating rapidly, and the doctors just can't seem to correct my vision fast enough. One day, (sniff sniff) I will be totally blind...OPEN MOUTH AND INSERT FOOT BITCH! Now go back and tell the REST of the office staff why I don't drive!

So, the rest of the day maybe I'll think about what other people are thinking...or maybe I just won't think at all, because I think to much!

This conversation sucked...

A friend of mine called me today, and asked what I was doing, and I told her I was vacuuming.


She said, you just vacuumed yesterday... do you vacuum everyday, and what are you vacuuming?


I said, I'm vacuuming the vacuum.


She said, but no one vacuums the vacuum.


I said you can't vacuum with with a dirty vacuum...


She said, then how do you clean the vacuum that you just used to vacuum the vacuum?


I said, I don't have to vacuum that one, I just dust it... otherwise, I'd be vacuuming all day!



Am I the only one who vacuums the vacuum?

Another Recall

CPSC, Ultimate Chopper LLC Announce Recall to Inspect and Replace Food Processors
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in cooperation with the firm named below, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product.



Consumers should stop using recalled products immediately unless otherwise instructed.
Name of Product: Ultimate Chopper food processor
Units: About 1.5 million
Distributor: Ultimate Chopper LLC, of Los Angeles, Calif.

Hazard: The interlocking lid assembly on the appliance can malfunction, allowing the food processor to be operated when the lid is off. This can result in a laceration or finger tip amputation hazard if consumers insert their hands into the food processor.



Incidents/Injuries: CPSC and Ultimate Chopper LLC have received 17 reports of injuries resulting from a failure of the interlocking lid assembly or the blade assembly breaking. Five of those injured required stitches or surgery, and the remaining 12 consumers received cuts or scratches. Description: The Ultimate Chopper is a compact, single-speed food processor that can also function as a blender when an optional attachment is used with the base. The product is comprised of a white base unit with a 600 watt motor (750 watts peak power), a plastic blade assembly that contains two stainless steel blades, a chopping bowl, and a clear, interlocking lid.



The name "Ultimate Chopper" is stamped on the product's base. The optional blender attachment is sold separately.

Sold at: The Ultimate Chopper has been marketed and distributed through television infomercial sales, the firm's Web site, and various retailers nationwide from March 2002 through July 2005 for about $40.
Manufactured in: China

What's so funny about this???

The Company's slogan is:

"A World of Value at Your Fingertips"

It's all in a days work...

This morning I am thinking... I have a party to go to next Saturday, and on Sunday we are having special guests to our house. It's Monday and I have to start my diet and exercise program again in order to try and lose those dreaded extra pounds ! I figured the best way to keep me out of the refrigerator for the good part of the day would be to go out and do some yard work.

I figured out a few things the hard way what NOT to do while out doing yard work.

Don't wear a skirt when attempting to mow the lawn because when you bend over to start the lawnmower, you're mooning the neighborhood.

Don't wear a skirt when doing yard work on a windy day because you are not only mooning the neighborhood, you're giving them a free show.

Don't wear a skirt when you are bending over pulling weeds because, well...you're again mooning the neighborhood.

Don't wear a skirt when you are using the leaf blower because the motor has suction and the skirt will get caught in the motor and you can't get it out unless you shut the blower off, set it on the ground, bend over and try to pull it out, and once again you are mooning the neighborhood, and giving them a free show.

And most important of all...If you are going to wear a skirt while doing yard work, don't forget to wear underwear because you will not only be mooning the neighborhood, and giving the neighborhood a free show, but giving the neighbors something to really talk about!

My yard work is done...

Reservations Required!

That's right...if you're planning on staying at our house, you better make your reservations now! Rooms are filling up rapidly! Please specify which room you would like...A single, double, queen or king because we will just run out and get a new mattress for you!



We got a call from Mr. Wonderful's Mother Friday night asking us if she and her significant other could spend the night. Not that they want to visit with us (me) they have to catch an early flight out of The Greater Peoria Airport early Sunday morning for Vegas, and since we live much closer to the airport than they do, it would be more convenient. Of course... instead of a two hour drive to arrive at the airport at 6:00 am...stay at our house! No problemo!



So, Saturday I felt like I was part of the housekeeping crew at the Flamingo Hilton. I'm toting around all my cleaning supplies. Windex, Clorox cleaner, comet cleanser, pledge, Lysol wipes, Mr. Clean erasers (love those suckers!), Murphy's Oil, pine sol, scrubbing bubbles, toilet brushes, swiffer dusters, rags, sponges, mops,my vacuums...the swiffer vac, swivel sweeper, dust buster, electric broom and the phantom vac!



I have to do laundry, change the sheets on the beds, fluff pillows, and then make the beds and don't forget to leave a mint on the pillow! Make sure all five of the bathrooms are sanitized and have new soap in each one of them still in the wrapper. The toilet paper folded so everybody knows the bathroom has been cleaned and inspected by the management.



Scrub, mop, polish floors, wash windows, vacuum, clean, dust... It's Saturday and I'm supposed to have the day off!



After my chores are done, the house is spotless... I need to clean myself which is going to require me getting out the power washer because I'm filthy dirty by now!



They not only arrived on time but an hour early! That's okay because I was ready, well, with the exception that my fingernails weren't polished, but that shows how hard I work around here.



In appreciation of letting them stay at our "Inn" they insist they take us out for dinner. Since we are new to the area, we have no clue where to eat. The only place we have been to around here is a little saloon type establishment that has kick ass food! I think it's one of the only few places around that still have a smoking section. Yep, that's right "smokers" you can go there eat, have a couple of brews, and have a cigarette!



Well, I'm not dressed to go out to a fancy restaurant and either are they. I don't think they would appreciate the saloon atmosphere so Mr. Wonderful suggests this home cooking cafe that every time we go by there, the parking lot is always crowed so that must mean the food is good! It's decided, that's where we're going!



We took separate cars so that we could puff about 20 smokes in about 5 minute's because it will probably be an hour before we can have another one! We get there and sure enough, the parking lot is full! It's a family restaurant because there was nothing but families in there. Kids galore, running around free...I felt like I was in Chuckie Cheese! No games though and our waitress didn't resemble a huge mouse!



The kind waitress handed us the menu's and asked if she could bring us our drinks...Sure because by this time, I am really thirsty! And, it's 5:00! Ummm...they sell no liquor...no beer, no wine, no nothing! Oh, but we can have freshly brewed coffee! Hmmmm....



It comes time to order, and I am always the last one to tell the waitress what I want, that is after she has approached out table 20 times, and asks if we are ready yet. I had my mind up immediately. Mr. Wonderful ordered the Deluxe Hamburger, M' in law ordered the beef sandwich and her Sig other ordered the beef dinner. Then it comes around to me, and I look proudly at the waitress as I hand her my menu and announce I will have the grilled cheese sandwich, and instead of potato chips can I have mashed potatoes? No problem and she swiftly headed back to the kitchen to place our order.



The conversation at the table begins...what are you doing ordering a grilled cheese for? Because I like grilled cheese. Why didn't you order a burger? Because I wanted a grilled cheese. The beef sounds good! So does the grilled cheese! You know you could have had fish! I know and I could have had peanut butter and jelly but I wanted grilled cheese! Nobody eats mashed potatoes with sandwiches let alone with grilled cheese. I wanted mashed potatoes with my grilled cheese sandwich! It got to the point that I asked the waitress if ordering a grilled cheese with mashed potatoes was unusual and she said no...a lot of people order it! So there! I'm not as weird as some make me out to be...Okay, maybe I am.



The food comes, the beef looked like liver and Mr. Wonderful's hamburger deluxe was actually a bacon cheese burger with, onion, mushrooms...all the things he hates, and there wasn't any lettuce or tomato. My grilled cheese was indeed grilled cheese and the potatoes were definitely mashed! I was happy! Cuz you know, no chef can screw up a grilled cheese sandwich or mashed potatoes!



We headed back here to the house and sat around just talking the rest of the evening and the main topic was...where do our guest sleep? I suggested the master bedroom because hey, we didn't get out to Mattress World to pick up a king size sealy posterpedic so the only really comfortable accommodation was our bed! After hours of debating, contemplating, negotiating, drinking, they finally decided, or maybe just wanted to shut me up, they would sleep in our bed. Whew! That was easy! Ya think I earned any brownie points for that one?



So, like the good Bell Hop, I guided our guests to the master suite to show them where they will be laying their head for the night. Here's the switches for the lights, here's the switch for the fan, here's the switch for the light on the fan, here's the controller for the TV, here's the controller for the TV controller, here's the bathrooms, here's hers and here's his.




Mr. Wonderful and I are going to more or less camp out in the basement...him and the dog on the futon, and me on the couch. We stayed up later than usual only because we loss some drinking time (remember the restaurant?) and of course we (me) didn't want to look like lushes in front of our guests (M'Inlaw) I had to make sure I didn't get diarrhea of the mouth, and everyone knows lamp shades are just so not fashionable now.



I am sitting on the couch almost ready for bed, Mr. W. is on the futon, and the dog is torn between where he's going to sleep... I'm thinking...please say futon! All of a sudden we hear a crash upstairs, and I'm thinking, what the...Mr. Wonderful says, don't worry...it was just the toilet seat, and immediately following we hear the sound of water, like friggin' Niagara Falls!



I think I got a good night sleep considering I am sharing a sofa with a 120 pound dog at my feet, and I'm in a fetal position most of the night, trying to get at least an inch of blanket to cover my cold body!



By the time we actually got up, the In laws had departed...okay, they left a lot earlier than we got up, but they insisted we not get up and make a big deal about them leaving.



Mr. Wonderful and I both have our morning cup of "gotta wake up"extra strength coffee, and I have to go into my bathroom...this is where I say again, what the .....Bathroom is clean except there's a string hanging, or what I thought was a string...I carefully lift up the seat and ummm...my toilet seat is cracked! Yep, we heard it the night before, but who knew it would actually break?

And then the dog has to check it out...

I think The Big Boy thought he did it...it's almost like he's saying, Honest, it wasn't me!
The good thing about the broken toilet seat is I get to buy a new one. And everyone knows, I love to shop!

No Mr. Wonderful, you are NOT putting duct tape on this one! I'm getting a nice new padded one, pink perhaps, and it has to have Flamingo's on it! I'm going shopping!

It ended up a nice visit...hey when I can end up buying something new, it's nice!

Welcome to My Crib...

I was doing a little surfing around online, and ran across this picture which I thought was a little disturbing...

Check out the smile on that guys face! It looks as if he is saying, yeah, c'mon over to my crib and I'll shoot you mudda fugger! Or is this guy just happy because he has some weird fetish?
Time for a camouflage diaper change yet?



I don't know...
What guy would be caught dead in one of these Mossy Oak Blind Tents?

Licker Store?

Every day I read the PJ Star mainly online, but if I have the energy early in the morning, I walk to the newspaper box to retrieve it. I have my order of what I read first...The front page, news, sports, then the police reports because you know, you just have to find out what crime is being committed around you.

This morning I am reading this...

Its driver, told police she had been driving east on McClure Avenue, pulled into the lot and stopped in front of the liquor store so her three children could go inside to buy candy.

This got me to thinking...what kind of candy do they sell at a liquor store?
Sloe Gin Suckers? they last all day!
Tequila Tootsie Pops?
Amaretto Almond Joy?
Miller Milky Ways?

Dirty Laundry...

You know what happens when you leave cigarette butts, Bic lighters, money, other pieces of paper in your pants pockets... the remote control for the TV, Slim Jim's, and other things in between the sheets (too numerous to mention)? They get washed!

You know what happens when only one sock makes it in the laundry basket in your closet? The other one's don't get washed!

You know what happens when a red shirt gets in with you white underwear? I don't have to tell you that they turn PINK!

Anyone figure out that it's laundry day?

Just give me something to blog about...

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think Mr. Wonderful would ever give me suggestions as of what to blog about... All I know is that there were rules when I first started my blog...

No pictures of Mr. Wonderful
Mr. Wonderful is to remain anonymous
Absolutely no half nekkid pictures of Mr. Wonderful after he's passed out.
If I can't say anything nice about Mr. Wonderful, don't say anything at all.


Yesterday Mr. Wonderful had a meeting so he got home a little later than usual. We were hoping to watch the Cubbies on TV but for some eff'ing reason they were blacked out! What's the deal with that?


We had the AM radio on, trying to listen to the game through all the static and gargle. It was kind of romantic, and reminded me of the olden days (before TV) when family's would sit around the old Belmont radio listening closely to the program that was on...I was sitting there reading a book, and he was fiddling around with aluminum foil trying to rig up an antenna to point it in the direction of Chicago to get a better reception. Yeah, like that's gonna work! And I just continued to read my book...

We could barely make out what the announcer was saying...Hey! Cubs Win! Now to turn back on the TV, and find a station that was going to show the highlights so we can see what we missed because remember...the eff'ing game was blacked out!!!


It's getting late and the dog has to go out... Mr. Wonderful takes the pooch to the back door, and walks him out to the back. Minutes later he comes into the house and says...you know, we put up an expensive fence for the dog so we wouldn't have to go out with him, and I still have to be out there with him! Yeah I know (as I am still so involved in my book) So, what's wrong? He says, he has to watch the dog because of the frogs... That got my immediate attention! Um, frogs? Frogs don't bite! He said, yeah but the dog is out there catching toads, look there's one on the patio!

Mr. Wonderful is coming up with all these creative names now for the pooch...
The Frogidile Hunter, Toad Trapper, Doggie Frogger...Okay, it's late!


Mr. Wonderful says...this is something for you to "blog" about tomorrow. I agreed, and I'm all for it because I am STILL trying to concentrate on the book I'm trying to read!


Then he says to me...go take a picture of the toad on the patio! I looked at him, looked at the clock, it was a little past 10:00, and the first words that passed my lips where...what are you fuggin' nuts? You want me to go out there and take a picture of a toad? Haven't you seen my blog lately honey? Unless it's two frogs doin' it, it just won't fit in!



Then he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a quarter and tells me to set the coin next to the toad so people can see how big it is. My response was...Hon, unless the frog is wanting to hump the quarter it won't be interesting! Believe me...No one wants to see a toad sitting next to a quarter to compare it's size unless it's sporting an erreptile! Now that would be something to compare!


After debating this subject for 20 minutes, I finally agreed to get my camera, go outside and shoot a picture of the toad with a quarter next to it because it's getting late and he just won't shuddup! And the clock's ticking away...it's getting later!


Thank goodness we live out in the country, and no neighbors see me crouched down on my knees with my head down by this enormous toad! It's dark and I can't see anything through the camera lense so I just snapped away a couple pictures, and wished for the best. No way was I going back after I came back in and viewed what I had taken.


So folks, here it is... Toad with the quarter

Ooooh! that's a BIG toad!

Toad without quarter...


Mr. Wonderful checking out the toad trying to stage the next photo shoot...

And then... here's the dog, sitting there wondering...How come they can play with the toad and I can't?

Thanks for giving me something to blog about...Like I needed it!

It's a Bug's Life~

I was reading East Bluff Barbie's blog this morning, and she wrote about spiders...BTW, if you haven't checked it out, I highly recommend it!

I went out to go get the mail, and of course I usually don't carry my camera with me, but I think from now on I might...

I decided instead of going out the back door, I'd go through the garage. I opened up the garage door, and a leaf started moving! Yes, it was walking, and I know this for a fact because I had to get a closer look, and it had legs! I have never seen a leaf with legs before! I had to make a split decision...do I go back in and get my camera or do I go get the mail, and then go get my camera? I chose to get the mail first...

When I came back, the leaf with legs was still there so I hurried up, came into the house and got my camera....Oh this is going to be a cool Kodak moment! By the time I got back out there, the leaf with legs was gone...No were in sight! I think those weren't leaves on it's back, but they were wings! Either that or those little legs sure could run!

So, I am looking around the driveway to see if I can find the leaf with legs, and no luck. But then I come across this...

Two spiders fighting? Is it the dynamic duo??? Hmmmm....

I think it might be Spiderman and Spiderwoman. Oops!

Welcome to My World...

I have a lot of people ask me about my flock...so here you go, all you curious people~Come inside my room where the flock once rocked...

I use the past tense because my flock has been since moved...I miss that room!

Yes...That's an 8 foot flamingo sitting in a chair...doesn't everybody have one?
These pictures were taken a while back, and and the flock has grown...

Keep in mind that these aren't all the Flamingo's I have...they are more spread throughout the house and yard...don't worry neighbors, not in the front!

That is a bird cage on the table, but there's not a Flamingo in there...it's a parakeet! Lil' Peep

So...there you go! Now...doesn't My Flock Rock?

Not sure about this...

I dunno...I like Bananas, Camembert cheese, Quesadillas, Cinnamon, but not all mixed together! I was watching the news early this morning, and they had the cooking segment on with this recipe, it made me wanna puke! I can honestly say... I have never had bananas with cheese! What next? Banana pepperoni, and cheese pizza? Barf!

Tuesday, Sep 18, 2007 @06:54am CST

BANANA QUESADILLAS
Serves: 2
1 banana, sliced
1/4 cup chopped Camembert cheese, divided
Cinnamon (I like to use "Cinnamon Sugar" that you can find in the spice aisle)
2-3 pats of butter
2 flour tortillas (small)

Heat a large pan on medium and melt a pat of butter in the pan. Add the sliced banana and sprinkle with cinnamon or cinnamon sugar (if you are using a really ripe banana, you may just want to use cinnamon, and no sugar). Saute bananas, stirring frequently until they just start to become a little soft, about 2-4 minutes - the greener the banana, the longer the time. Push the bananas to the side of the pan. Add another pat of butter to the pan, and put in one tortilla. Cook on one side for about a minute or two, and then flip the tortilla. Add half of the Camembert and move half of the sliced bananas to the middle of the tortilla. Using tongs and/or spatula, carefully fold over the tortilla, and hold closed. Cook for about 2-3 minutes, and flip to the other side. You want a nice light golden crisp brown on both sides of the tortilla. Move to a warm plate when both sides are slightly crisp, and repeat this paragraph with the second tortilla, and remaining butter, cheese, and banana.

This explains it all...

GO CUBBBIES!!!

Need I say more?

Laptop Momma

I had this post I was working on...


"100 reasons why Mr. Wonderful should buy me a laptop computer"


I came up with about 99 reasons, but then thought... how many times can you say, because I NEED one, I GOTTA have one, because you have one and I don't? Knowing he reads my blog, and I bug him everyday about it, and the subliminal messages I give.. How was you're laptop day honey.... or what would you like for laptop dinner tonight? How about I go slip into something laptop sexy...

This weekend we finally went out laptop shopping, and here's the scenario at the computer store...The salesperson asks...So, what are you going to be usin' it for? And Mr. Wonderful blurts out...She's going to use it for blogging! Oh c'mon honey...you know I'm going to use it for other things like...um, email, yeah email! Then the salesperson proceeds to tell me all the downloads I can do like music, video, movies, dvd's, cd's OMG! Have I died and gone to heaven? Pinch me! It didn't take me long to make up my mind!

It happened yesterday I got one! Yes, my very own laptop computer! Complete with gobs of memory, GB, MB, who knows what else...all I know is I got a laptop!



So Mr. Wonderful is sitting here watching me in all my glory, ignoring everything he's saying to me because I am playing with my laptop...okay, I did hear him ask what's for dinner at 7:30. Oh crap, with all the excitement, I forgot all about dinner...Never fear, there is always something to eat in the refrigerator...How about if you just have a salami sandwich tonight because it's to late to BBQ those fillet Mignon's I had planned for dinner! (whew! got away with that one) Hey, I could take my computer over to the stove, Google and cook at the same time now!



Then Mr. Wonderful suggests that I change my blogger name...What? Why? Who me? And he says, yeah, I think you ought to change it to "Laptop Momma" Um...yeah...ooooookaaaaay! BTW... did I tell you how much I love my new laptop computer?

I am all set now, happy as a Flamingo in Paradise, and the only thing I can think of what I need is a Flamingo skin and a Flamingo carrying case. Hint Hint... You know, Christmas is right around the corner!

Thank you Mr. Wonderful! You scored big points with me! Smooooch!

And a BIG thank you to MannMaids for suggesting I have a laptop while I'm laying by the pool! BoomDone!

It's Official!

We finally did it...the old house is up for sale! The sign went up the other day, and the open house was this weekend...! It's kind of exciting, and sad at the same time. We loved our "old" house with all the charm and character, but unfortunately we needed more space for the dog.... Yes, that's right, we bought a new house just for the Big Boy, the "Good Son", the pooch that we adopted, rescued, got for free!

So, I am talking with the bestest realtor in the greater Peoria area, and she suggest that the house would show better without the 55 gallon fish tank we had sitting on the beautiful oak buffet. We agreed so this weekend our plan was to work our butts off transferring fish to another tank in order to move the big ass aquarium out. We had to go get another tank for the "frog". Did I mention that we have a pet frog? Yes, he's part of the family too...Kermie is about 4 years old and has his own habitat. He's an African albino black claw aquatic frog so moving him was going to be tricky!

The move was successful (still have fingers crossed) and Kermie is in his new home at last!

So, I'm talking to the bestest realtor in the whole wide world Saturday, and telling her about our experience of moving the huge ass fish tank that she thought needed to leave because it would show better...matter of fact, if anyone wants, needs, or just has to have a 55 gallon tank, everything you could imagine including the algae, with the exception of the fish, it's yours free for the taking. Anyway, I was telling her about getting the frog moved, and she said...I feel a blog coming on here... so I guess I haffta tell the rest of the story...Although I didn't think it was that funny!

We emptied the frog tank half way down figuring it would be easier to net Kermie, and transfer him to the small travel tank. I got him in the net, raised him carefully out of the water, placed the net over the little tank, and the next thing I knew he jumped out of the net, and was on the carpet. Mr. Wonderful and I were trying to catch him but he kept hopping around, and we suppose he was thinking....ahhhh freedom! I am not sure how long an aquatic frog can live out of water, but he was having fun! Well, more fun than we were! I finally scooped him into my hands, and into the tank he went.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish I had my camera with me to capture the smile on his face while riding in the car! He almost looked as if he were happy! I told Mr. Wonderful, we should take him for rides more often! Could you imagine us going into one of those pet stores where everybody either brings their dogs or cats? And here we are with the frog. I think he would like to check out the reptile aisle, and maybe some other froggies.

I was smart enough to cup my hands around Kermie while moving him into his new home so he didn't get a chance to check out the new carpet. He's really happy in his new home and we're happy to finally have him here with us.

This morning Mr. Wonderful said...Kermie is "croaking". I sprung out of bed and said...oh no! And rushed to the new tank.... Kermie's fine, he makes the "croaking" noise when he's happy! I thought he was... well, you know...croaking :( Thanks a lot Mr. Wonderful for getting my adrenaline pumping at 5:00 this morning!

Nuttin' Say Luvin' Like Sumpin' From the Oven!

This reminds me of when I was 36 years old, going through a divorce, and I find out I was going to be a grandma...For one thing, I was too young to be a grandma, and second, who's going to want to date a grandma? Well, needless to say...I found Mr. Wonderful!


Five grand-kids later...who would have ever thought! I love being a "granny"! Yes, they are so cute, say the darnedest things, you can feed them all the sugar you want, and send them home to their parents...Pay backs a bitch ain't it kiddos?


What good memories I have to cherish! And everybody knows, Grandma's are supposed to spoil their grandchildren! I think it's written in some book~But you know the parents now a days don't think kids should have every toy on the universe, watch any TV, eat junk food, or have the new expensive clothes. I almost got ripped another a$$hole when I took one grand daughter shopping...I had to teach her how to shop using plastic instead of paper...You have to learn that sooner or later!


Then it got me to think of something somebody sent me the other day...Thanks Chuck! And this is what he sent...Oh, it's so true!

This is the way it was....

Those Born 1930-1979 TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nitendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cellphones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them...CONGRATULATIONS!

I'm coming out of the closet...

Yes, this morning I decided...It's time to take inventory of all my clothes. Although I threw out a lot, and gave a lot to charity before we moved, I still have so many. So, here's the confessions of me, the clothes horse...

Why do I have to keep all of these clothes? Some have special memories like a T-shirt that my son gave me when he was skiing like the Kennedy's in Colorado, or my old gym suit from High School...gotta keep that because I can still fit into it! A few clothes that don't fit, but someday I'll get back into them! And all the clothes from different era's...50's, 60's 70's 80's...those will come back in style!

So, I am taking an inventory this morning and this is what I find...

I have approximately 184 T-shirts that are hanging because they are all my favorites. Not to mention the ones I haven't counted yet that are in my dresser drawers because I don't have any more room to hang them up. That will be my next project...clean out my drawers!

18 pairs of jeans...and if anyone knows me, I don't wear jeans. So, why do I have them? I don't know...just because I guess! Maybe someday I'll wear them...

38 long sleeve sweaters and 16 short sleeve. I had a lot more, but like I said, I gave a lot of them away. Mostly the wool ones because I hate wool! I don't like the scratchy feeling, and with my hot flashes, I can keep warm on my own.

22 sweatshirts...
27 long sleeve shirts...
17 short sleeve shirts...
22 sleeveless....

53 skirts...I think I have more, so lets say that's a rough estimate.
16 suits...
20 dresses...

46 pairs of shoes...
23 purses... isn't it a rule of thumb to have a purse to match each pair of shoes? I think I might need to go purse shopping!

So what's in your closet? And is it coming out?

Takin' the day off...

I woke up this morning with a friggin' back ache which is causing me to have "Bloggers Block" because all I can think about is how do I get rid of this pain!

I am not one to take pills except for a chewable baby aspirin that you know the doctor says you have to take because you're old. So, this morning I scarfed down six of the tiny orange pills, and I am waiting for them to take effect. I am such a baby!

I have no clue what I did...maybe it's from how I slept last night because you know, I share a bed with Mr. Wonderful, and a 120 pound pooch, and there isn't a lot of room left for me so I find myself hanging half off the bed.

Or maybe it's from washing 56 windows yesterday, and if you count both sides, um...that's like 112! Of course I didn't do both sides on all the windows, but
Shhhhhh....don't tell Mr. Wonderful that!

Oh maybe I wrenched my back bending over to get beer out of the little fridge in the basement because we don't have a full size one down there yet! hint! hint!

So, I decided to take the day off, take it easy, and go around here and take some photos of some of my favorite things, or things I have no clue what they are. Can you tell I am asking for a little help?

Now this is something every home should have...And don't even think of swiping it because it is heavily guarded!

Besides Flamingo's, I also like frogs...I think everyone should have these sitting on their coffee table... I got these frogs (playing leap frog) at the HOI fair this year. I don't know if they were really for sale, but they were sitting on a table in the reptile exhibit. I just had to have them, and told the nice gentleman to name a price. Needless to say, I got them!

And what home wouldn't be complete without one of these brass fly ashtrays? His wings lift up, and it's perfect of a couple of butts. (cigarettes that is)

This was a "must have" when I saw it...Look, it's a turtle with a hangover!

Croquet anyone?

Yeah...I bought this vintage set at the Illinois Antique Center after my last dental appointment...cuz you know...I just had to buy something useless and tacky...

Okay...now help me out on this one... what the hell kind of plant is this? There's a couple of them out in front in a perennial garden. I am not sure if it is weed or miniature eggplants. I would have gotten a better shot of it but the red ants were guarding it...

So, you are probably thinking...why I refer to my significant other as "Mr. Wonderful" ? Because he puts up with me and my weirdness...He's wonderful! Sorry...no pic's of him because he told me if I ever posted any, he'd kill me, and you know I would hate to give all this up!

Findings From the Flamingo Forensic Files

We have a c'ment swimming hole not just for us, but apparently for the critters and varmints around here too...

Last night Mr. Wonderful asks me if I had checked the chlorine lately, and of course I haven't, but I told him I have. He goes over to the skimmer basket, opens it up, takes it out, and heads outside. While all the time I am thinking, Oh, I am so busted!

Where's ya goin' pappy with that thar thang in yer hand? I didn't get a response, almost like he was ignoring me like he usually does. (It's his selective hearing).

He comes back in and says...have you looked in the skimmer lately? I had to fess up because he's gotta know that I haven't...

Okay, no...I haven't because what could possibly be in there besides a chlorine hockey puck, and maybe a couple of dead bugs?

He says, I better not tell you because you will FREAK out!

Me? little old me who isn't afraid of anything? Who has raised a son, and has seen it all? What possibly could it be?

Okay, he says...don't say I shouldn't have told you!

Now the excitement of the unknown has gotten my curiosity up, the best of me...what the hell could it be?

It's a MOUSE!
Not Minnie or Micky, not little Jerry, apparently not Mighty Mouse...it was just a plain old mouse...deader than a door nail! eeew!

So, how did it get in there when there is a cover over the skimmer? The only thing I could think of is it probably fell into the water, swam over to the skimmer, and got caught in here...It's not the skimmer anymore, it's a mouse trap!

This morning I am doing a little forensic investigation of my own before I take my morning swim, and this is what I came up with:


The mouse probably got on my noodle, you know the thing that keeps you afloat in the pool besides that fat inner tube around my midsection. It was hanging over the edge so he more than likely walked to the end, and decided to take a dive.

Then I come to this conclusion...

mice cannot read~

Nor can they swim because this is were he/she ended up...

Was it a suicide? Accidental drowning? Murder? I don't know ...case closed.

Will I be checking the chlorine more often? You betcha! eeeew!

Nature's Calling!

We really enjoy watching the hummingbirds at all the numerous feeders we have throughout the yard, but our favorite one is the one that attaches to the outside of the window so we can watch them from inside.

I noticed that the hummers were around the feeder, but weren't landing on the plastic perch to stick their little nozzle's in the yellow flowers. It was almost like they were afraid of it! I went to get a closer look and there it was...a wasp!

Now what do I do? Feed the birds and the bees?










Update~ I just clicked on the picture to get a closer view, and noticed how filthy my window is! Looks like I'll be window washing today...sorry, no pics of that will be posted!

Worth Sharing...

Why the English language is so hard to learn...

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

A Good Excuse...

Thank you "Erma" who said...
"The Grass is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank"

But you know... I have been looking for that greener grass, and can't find it! It all looks the same to me! I must be doing something right!


Not until we bought the house out here in the country did I ever know anything about septic tanks.

I have seen those commercials on TV about "Rid-X", but I thought that was a cocktail mix for my last husband. Mix with toilet water....serve at room temperature in a porcelain bowl.
Best if used before court.


Now I am learning all about the septic system...like I don't have anything else better to do with my time!

Little did I know ( and I really like this part) is that I am only to do one load of laundry a day! It is recommended that you space your laundry doing days throughout the week, and don't do small loads. That's fine with me!

Don't do small loads of dishes...wait until you have a full load. Two people, full load? You know how long that would take?

Do not use bleach disinfectants or drain and toilet bowl cleaners... eeeew! how do you get it cleaned?

Do not use a garbage disposal... That's fine because I have never used one before, but why does this house have two garbage disposals?

Do not dispose of hazardous chemicals, grease, disposable diapers, plastics, latex, paints, pesticides, solvents, oven cleaners, degreaser's, coffee grounds, wet strength paper towels, Kleenex, Q-Tips or sanitary items... Okay, maybe I am guilty of grease (who isn't) but the rest of the list? I can't remember the last time I tried to stuff wet strength paper towels down the sink!


And most of all Mr. Wonderful...NO tobacco products which means that cigarette butt you didn't snuff out in the ashtray less than arms length away should not have been tossed into the commode! EVER!



So, Mr. Wonderful... if you're wondering why I didn't do all the laundry today, dishes are still in the sink, the toilets aren't cleaned, the tub is not sanitized, there are still hazardous materials laying around, the grease from last night's fries is still in the "Fry Daddy", bugs are flying around the house, the oven is dirty, you're drinking coffee made with last weeks grounds, Kleenex is over flowing in the garbage cans, and the refrigerator is filled with rotten fruits and vegetables... it's not because I didn't feel like doing these things today...

I'm just trying to keep the grass greener over the septic tank!

Getting Older...

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to wear make-up, and would always get into my Mother's cosmetic bag to try on her ruby red lipstick, cake face make up and mascara. Mom would always tell me...You don't need make-up, you're pretty just the way you are! Just wait because you'll be wearing make-up the rest of your life.

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to wear high heel shoes, and would go into my Mother's closet and try on all her spiked heels that made me 4 inches taller. Trying to maneuver walking in them, remembering then how Mom walked in them, toe...heel...toe...heel. That was the only way to get around without spraining your ankles. Mom said, you are to young to wear high heels...you'll be wearing them for the rest of your life.

When I was younger I couldn't wait to shave my legs. My Mother would tell me...don't start now because every time you shave it comes in thicker and darker, and you will have to keep it up for the rest of your life.

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to wear nylons. Not pantyhose because way back in the old days, they didn't have them. Yes, nylons with the seams going up the back of your leg, and garter belts. Yikes, did I just reveal my age? Mom said, your legs are so pretty, you don't need nylons. Wait until you're older because you'll be wearing them the rest of your life.

When I was younger I couldn't wait to wear a bra. I would try on my Mother's, stuffed with towels, not tissue because, well...there just wasn't enough boxes of Kleenex to fill em'. My Mother said, you will grow into them soon enough, just wait because you will be wearing one the rest of your life.

When I was younger I couldn't wait to dye my hair. I used to watch my Mother color her hair, and would beg her to do mine. I didn't like my mousy brown color, and would have loved to be a bleached blond like she was. She told me if I started I would have to keep it up because the hair grows out, and then you have ugly roots showing. Mom would tell me...you have beautiful hair. You start now, and you will have to do it the rest of your life.

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to wear glasses. I would try on Mom's magnifying glasses, and get a headache trying to read. Mom told me I didn't need glasses, and that I had perfect vision. If you start wearing glasses, you'll have to wear them the rest of your life.

When I was younger I couldn't wait to drive. To think I could go any place I wanted to, and not have to ask Mom to take me...Mom said, once you start driving, it will cost you a lot of money. You'll have to get a car, pay for gas and insurance, not to mention all the maintenance. Don't be so eager to drive...you will be driving the rest of your life.

Now that I am older... I hate wearing make-up, high heels hurt my feet, shaving is a pain in the ass, pantyhose are to hot, and nylons and garters are...well, just for show. I can never find a bra that fits, and that is comfortable, and I have to dye my hair unless I want to look like Grandma Moses. I can't stand wearing reading glasses, and most of all... I hate driving.

How come Mom never told me when I was cleaning my room, doing laundry, baking or cooking that I would be doing that the rest of my life?

And most important for the rest of my life... I have to struggle with losing weight!

I Got a Chip on My Shoulder

Really I do...

I don't know why, but Mr. Wonderful and I have to have at least five different varieties of potato chips in our bedroom. We have Jays, Lays, Kitchen Cooked, a generic brand which I would highly recommend you not waste your money on, and of course good old fashion potato sticks. Every night we lay in bed munching on potato chips. Something about late night snacking while watching stupid sitcom's puts us to sleep better than having one of those little purple pills.


The only problem is in the morning when I go to make the bed, and it's filled with little crumbs. I shake out the sheets and blanket, and pieces of chips fly through the air so then I'm off to get the vacuum.

This morning I go though my normal routine, and I'm in the bathroom yeah, brushing my teeth, and notice this growth on my shoulder. Oh crap...now what is this? I have to examine it closely, trying to get a good look in the mirror...It's an odd shape...skin cancer? I start to pick at it because come on who wouldn't? I get it loosened, and it pops off with ease...It's a potato chip! And I was worried it was something serious? Nah! I knew it all the time...



Now when some tells me I have a chip on my shoulder... I'm really gonna have to look!

Did I just get Lay'd?

Dental Anguish

Many of you have wondered if I survived the dentist visit! I guess I did...I'm still here, and so are my teeth!

I was so nervous watching the clock until it was ready to leave for my appointment, pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what I was going to wear... you know just trying to keep my mind off going to the dentist! It was to early to have a beverage to relax even though it was noon someplace!

On our way into Peoria we're heading down 150, and I see this big orange truck coming in the opposite direction. What the heck is that??? As it approached us I see that it's a snow plow! I know they said it was going to rain, but did I miss the weather report for Brimfield? Are they expecting snow? WTF! It's something you just don't see in the beginning of September or is it? Then I'm thinking, snow plow,snow job, dentist...can we turn around and just go home?

We get there...pull into the parking space... get out of the car, and go in. I walk up to the front desk, and the receptionist confirms who I am. I am the only one in the waiting room, probably the only one with an appointment at 11:00! She asked me to fill out the usual forms they make you do, and I told her, I had been here before. She said yeah, but things change. I said, well...nothing has changed with me. She kept insisting so I finally told her to give it to Mr. Wonderful so he'll have something to do while I'm in the death chair.

The doctor's assistant (hygienist?) comes out, and Ms. Witch, the receptionist says...she refused to fill this out, you still wanna take her back? I just sat there, my blood's boiling at this point...do I say something or ask if I can have change for the gum ball machine?

After sitting in the reception area for about 10 minutes... counting the chairs (8 of them) looking at all the stains in the carpet, playing follow that tear in the wall paper, I finally get called to go back to the chamber.

I get taken to this tiny room with everything covered in plastic. Even the plastic was covered with plastic! What ever happened to the tissue that they used? You know the stuff that when you sat on make the crumpling noise, and when you got up it would stick to you?

I set my purse down on the floor which was not covered with plastic...now why is that?It's okay if my purse gets dirty? And say... mind if I take some before and after pictures of this chair I am about to sit in because I want to remember how it looked before I dug my fingernails into it...

Half laying down in this uncomfortable recliner thinking why did I wear flip flops because every one knows the way your feet are hanging down they don't want to stay on so I am going to have to keep curling my toes, and fiddling with my feet to keep my shoes from flopping off!

Then here comes the bib around my neck...I think the hygienist must have read my blog because she put it on tighter than usual...um, could you loosen up that chain around my neck? You're choking me! And get my hair out of the way!!!

After numerous questions... the first one being how come you didn't want to fill this form out? Has any medical information changed?
NO... but she had to ask me all of them again... I guess just to make sure.

Then in comes the dentist... all happy with this big white smile! Did he just see what insurance company I had?

He sits down on the squeaky stool, snaps on his latex gloves, puts on his white mask, and starts asking me more questions...

Are those your teeth?

No I borrowed them from the neighbor because they were to chicken to come here!

How do you eat with those teeth?

I don't...I use them to open up beer bottles

Do you have Dental insurance?

Yep...do you have life insurance?


Let me get a medical history on you... (again)...Are you pregnant?

Am I pregnant? ARE YOU SERIOUS? me?...did you look at my birthday? The only think I am carrying is a Louis Vuitton bag! And why ask such a question...did I take a wrong turn some where,? Am I'm in the gyne office or is this something new...dentist's check every cavity?

Then the BIG question...what do you want to do today?

Well, that's not hard to answer...how about winning the lotto, or a cruise on the Caribbean or better yet, anything but be sitting here!

Then comes the biggy...your teeth just aren't worth saving...you are going to need dentures! Um, yeah, right...

I think I went off in this daze because all kinds of things were going through my mind like a bad case of diarrhea...I can't use the excuse anymore... not tonight honey...I've got a toothache!No No No honey...don't drink water out of that glass! My teeth are in there! Yeah can you pick up a gallon of milk, some bread and a tube of Fixodent? No...I am NOT taking them OUT! I don't care if it is every man's fantasy! Do you have a drive up window so I can drop off my teeth to be cleaned? Or now when some one says "bite me" I can hand them my teeth, and say...here, bite yourself! Oh, and can I have different colors for the holidays? You know red, white and blue for the fourth of July? And don't forget to have some Billy Bob teeth made so I can freak people out at those fancy stuck up cocktail parties I hate going to! And oh yeah, some diamond studded teeth, maybe some gold caps in front because those are so fashionable now!

And then I have to post a classified ad...

Give Away to good home...1 toothbrush because according to my dentist it's been NEVER used!

I've got a decision to make in a split second, and I don't do decisions very good. It takes me a while to think of what I want. What do I do? And all I'm thinking is how fast can I run? Especially in these flip flops!

I let them do impressions, yeah the stuff that they claim tastes like spearmint, peppermint or whatever they claim to be the flavor of the day. I figure, this will buy me some more time to think about what I am going to do. Like...never coming back!

The nice hygienist says she's going to give me a new toothbrush...What? as a souvenir of my visit? It's probably got some cheesy advertisement on it...

I couldn't get out of that chair fast enough, and back out to the waiting room where Mr. Wonderful is standing there oh yeah...with a stack of appointment cards in his hand. Seems like they told him their plans before I was able talk to him. I have another appointment in 2 1/2 weeks...If they really want me to come back, they should have made the appointment sooner!

So, we are standing there and I say, I really need this one tooth taken care of right away, and Ms. Witch says to me...are you sure?Is it worth spending the extra money? I didn't have to hesitate one second before blurting out yes it is! I don't care how much it costs! I want this tooth fixed! And so she says the first appointment for that is October! Yes, a month away! Forget it...I'll go someplace else~

We leave, and I am fit to be tied...Mr. Wonderful asks what I want to do, and I said... I need to go shopping! Because that was the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better! I need to buy something I don't need, want or can use. Something tacky would be nice!

Before we headed back home, we went and had lunch. Now can you think of a better thing to do after you just went to the dentist? Was this going to be my last meal with my own choppers?

I was so glad to be back home...will I keep that next appointment? I don't know...I have to think about this really hard! I'm having a lot of Dental Anguish!

And where's my new friggin' toothbrush?

I'm getting ready for my dentist appointment...

And I come across this article in the paper...this is not what I needed to see!

Dentist faces battery charges :: News Sun :: News

I'm eating lots of garlic tonight

because...I have to go to the DENTIST tomorrow!

I can't think of anything worse than GOING TO THE DENTIST! And yours truly will be sittin' in the dental chair tomorrow having my mouth probed, and prodded as I sit there in pools of sweat, feeling my heart racing, wondering if I bite him, will he not hurt me?

I have been putting off this visit for some time because well, I just don't like the dentist...I don't like needles, drills,the sharp pics or having my tongue pressed down with a wooden spatula.

I don't like the taste of cotton in my mouth unless it's from a nasty hangover. And BTW, that stuff you said tastes like peppermint... tastes like horse shit.

I don't like the paper bib they put around your neck because it always gets tangled in my hair, and when it comes off it rips a few hairs with it!

I don't like trying to keep my mouth open for several minutes without swallowing, and then drooling out the side of my mouth, down my chin and feeling saliva on my neck wetting the collar of my shirt.

I don't like those little plastic xray films they put in your mouth that cut into your gums and you have to sit still until the hygienist returns after fifteen minutes while she gets as far away from the radiation, but I'm safe because of that heavy apron they lay across you, and I'm thinking, who shut off the air conditioning?

Then the dentist comes in with a BIG magnifying mirror so you can look at the inside of your mouth and your disgusting teeth...Hey, I know what they look like, you don't so get that mirror out of my face!

And as long as he's got the magnifying gear on, why doesn't he pluck my eye brows because he just made it clear with the bright lights and magnifying glass, I'm in dire need of massive plucking, and while your at it Doc, can you check my nose and see if I got any wild hairs sprouting?

The good news will be that I need a root canal, implants, extractions, or dentures...so what's the bad news? I won't be getting a new toothbrush because they don't give them out anymore? How about a piece of Carmel sitting out in that bowl that resembles a big tooth out on the counter? Or see you in 6 months because your insurance company pays well.

I don't like the dentist...Never have... never will change my mind. I would rather give birth to an adult elephant or listen to someone scratch a chalk board with their fingernails! I would rather eat glass, and have a warm piss chaser to wash it down...I would rather cut up all of my 57 credit cards...oh wait, that's a bit extreme! Now I'm out of control! Well, I think you know by now how I feel about the DENTIST!

And who ever thought up that slogan so many dentist's use...Gentle Dentistry? There's no such thing so don't try and bull shit me! It's to lure innocent victim's in oral horror!

So, I wonder, who cleans Dentist's teeth? Do they do it themselves, and if it hurts they know to use that technique on the next patient? Or do Dentist's practice "Gentle Dentistry" only on each other because if you have ever noticed, Dentist's always have nice teeth!

I just wonder what goes through the dentist's mind as he sitting there on that squeaky stool, examining the inside of my mouth...ripping my lips apart, Can he smell the garlic I ate last night? Pay back's a bitch ain't it? Hurt me and I'll chew right through that awful tasting latex glove of yours!

And what's with that mask they wear? Did they just get done robbing a 7eleven? Oh wait, it was the patient before me! Or is it so I can't smell HIS bad breath...Phew!

And is he thinking...I wonder what color leather interior I'll pick out for that new Lamborghini I'll be getting after this insurance claim goes through, and she's done paying her out of pocket expenses?

Then comes the most painful experience of all...you got to wait until they check to make sure your insurance will pay for all of this dental work, and then you gotta come back in a week and do this all over again!

Dr. Seuss should have wrote a book about going to the DENTIST...I don't like them, Not even with Green Eggs and Ham!

So, tomorrow is dental death day for me, my most biggest fear... THE DENTIST!

When he takes the "before and after" pictures, I'll make sure I get an 8x10 glossy, four 5x7 suitable for framing prints, and 32 wallet size to hand out to my closest friends, and gee don't forget to print me up some Valentine Cards so I'll be sure not to get one stinking box of chocolates next year!

And to you Mr. Wonderful... don't be reminding me tonight that I have to be ready in the morning because I know... I have to go to the DENTIST! And you mention it one time you'll be seeing your teeth listed on eBay!

Have a Pink day tomorrow?
Yeah...My A$$