It started when I woke up this morning, and started thinking about the dream I had last night. Some guy breaks into our house and is going to rob us. He grabs me, and I ask him if I can go get my camera because this is damn good blogging shit! He has a gun to my ribs and announces if I don't shut the F up, he's gonna pop me. And then I ask...Oh gee, can I go change my outfit because I don't want to be caught dead wearing this! And then I woke up...
I take my shower, get out and stand in front of the mirror like a glutton for punishment, and think...who stole my figure? I used to have one. It's like, here today, gone tomorrow! Sucking in my belly, trying to look "thin"... it's not working. I used to have an hour glass figure, well, I guess I still do... just a little more sand.
I think I don't put my spectacles on in the morning because I don't want to scare the crap out of myself! Who's that old lady in my bathroom! I open up the drawer and start pulling out tons of makeup...This will cover up the imperfections, this will hide the tiny wrinkles because it says so right here on the package! Then pull out every kind of moisturizer that has ever been manufactured on this planet.
I'm thinking while I've got my Conair 1875 watt hair dryer blasting away...I hope the doorbell doesn't ring before I get done. It could be a hurricane, and it would still take 15 minutes for my hair to dry. It's not that I have really thick hair, I think that when you HAVE to dry your hair fast the water must have been wetter.
Then out of the blue, I get the word "TURD" in my mind...Who came up with that word? Turd, and why isn't it spelled "t-i-r-d" because it rhymes "bird." Oh you gotta love the English language! Then I'm thinking about when I first started my blog, and I referred to Mr. Wonderful as the Big Bird... I could have easily made some typo's when I was pissed off at him, and referred to him as the Big Tird. Sorry Honey...I thought I did spell check :) Well, it's to late to go back to that...so back to the turd...why isn't it spelled TORD because it rhymes with WORD? The only reason I can come up with why the word TURD popped into my mind could stem from reading an article in this morning Peoria Journal Star about someone busted for selling undersized turtles or were they turdles? Little Turds?
So, I have to get ready this morning to greet the heating and cooling dude who was here last week to clean and check the furnace's but has to return because me, yours truly, forgot to have him clean and check one more. I got to thinking about the first conversation I had with the appointment scheduler...It went something like this:
I'd like to schedule an appointment to have our furnace's cleaned and checked...
(Note the word FURNACE'S - plural, meaning more than one)
I explain that we moved, but I would like the furnace in the old house cleaned and checked. The house is for sale but it still needs to be done for the winter.
Now on to house number two...
I would like to have the FURNACE'S cleaned and checked at the new house we're in.
If it's a new house, you don't need the furnace checked.
It's not a new house, but it's new to us because we just bought it. And it has furnace's
How old is the furnace?
I don't know, the previous owners didn't leave birth certificates for them.
When would be a good day for you?
Any day, any time, you tell me...So, I get the appointment and tell the scheduler to leave enough time because there's two furnace's and one boiler.
He says to me...there's NO WAY you have two furnace's and a boiler! Are you sure?
Yes...I'm sure!
But nobody has two furnace's and a boiler...I've never heard of such a thing.
Well, I'm not making this shit up, maybe it's your lucky day! We HAVE two furnace's and a boiler! Now, I am not going to argue with this boob...Please just schedule enough time so that I am not told they have to come back because they didn't allow enough time to clean two furnace's and a boiler!
The two furnace's... yes two, and the boiler were cleaned and checked, and the guy was here on Friday for over three hours.
Now imagine this...I have to call them back because, I didn't know there was ANOTHER furnace! It's hiding, tucked away in a room that I didn't even know existed until this past weekend. The in-laws were here and M'In-law asks what's in that room? Mr. Wonderful says, oh, just a furnace. Oh shit, you mean another one? I have to call THEM back and tell them we have another one! This is going to be fun! NOT!
I begged and pleaded with Mr. Wonderful to please make this phone call because they are going to think now I'm really making this shit up! They didn't believe me when I told them about the first two and now I discover another one? They are going to think I am some kind of lonely bitch who wants company during the day while the husband is away, or maybe I'm hallucinating, and seeing furnace's! Don't be surprised if the men in white coats show up with a new jacket for me honey!
So, the guy shows up, and says...you gotta be kidding me! There's a furnace up there? Yep that's right, don't ask me, we didn't put it up there, we bought the house like this, um in other words, we don't just go around thinking what would be a weird place to put a furnace! Oh and by the way, an air conditioner is in there too!
See that little door up there? Yep that's where the furnace is!
So, I am thinking about my next dreaded dental appointment which I originally had for this Thursday! Why does the dentist office make an appointment for you weeks ahead in advance only to cancel it, and move it out another week? I'm all prepared for the torture treatment on Thursday, and now I have to do it all over again?
Mr. Wonderful drives me to my dental appointments because I think if it were up to me, I would be coming up with excuses why to cancel...Um, my car has four flat tires and I only have one spare...I'm going to have to cancel. Um, my car ran out of gas, and I have to walk fifteen miles in these 4 inch heels, can I reschedule? Um, I locked myself inside the car, and I have to wait until someone gets here to open the door, I'll call you back to reschedule when I get out...
So this receptionist (I have solely named Aunt Bee because she looks like Andy Taylor's suppose to "Be Aunt") tells me that they have to reschedule my appointment, and gives me a couple of choices for days next week. I told her that I would have to check with Mr. Wonderful, and get back to her....She asks me for the SECOND time,in a nasty voice "why don't you just drive yourself?" I had to sit back, clinch my teeth for a second, thinking what the "F" is it to her? I'm going to set this NAG straight once and for all...In a sweet and innocent voice I tell her...I would drive myself, but... I'm legally blind, and I don't think it would be a good idea for me to be on the road...My vision is deteriorating rapidly, and the doctors just can't seem to correct my vision fast enough. One day, (sniff sniff) I will be totally blind...OPEN MOUTH AND INSERT FOOT BITCH! Now go back and tell the REST of the office staff why I don't drive!
So, the rest of the day maybe I'll think about what other people are thinking...or maybe I just won't think at all, because I think to much!
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