Dental Anguish

Many of you have wondered if I survived the dentist visit! I guess I did...I'm still here, and so are my teeth!

I was so nervous watching the clock until it was ready to leave for my appointment, pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what I was going to wear... you know just trying to keep my mind off going to the dentist! It was to early to have a beverage to relax even though it was noon someplace!

On our way into Peoria we're heading down 150, and I see this big orange truck coming in the opposite direction. What the heck is that??? As it approached us I see that it's a snow plow! I know they said it was going to rain, but did I miss the weather report for Brimfield? Are they expecting snow? WTF! It's something you just don't see in the beginning of September or is it? Then I'm thinking, snow plow,snow job, dentist...can we turn around and just go home?

We get there...pull into the parking space... get out of the car, and go in. I walk up to the front desk, and the receptionist confirms who I am. I am the only one in the waiting room, probably the only one with an appointment at 11:00! She asked me to fill out the usual forms they make you do, and I told her, I had been here before. She said yeah, but things change. I said, well...nothing has changed with me. She kept insisting so I finally told her to give it to Mr. Wonderful so he'll have something to do while I'm in the death chair.

The doctor's assistant (hygienist?) comes out, and Ms. Witch, the receptionist says...she refused to fill this out, you still wanna take her back? I just sat there, my blood's boiling at this point...do I say something or ask if I can have change for the gum ball machine?

After sitting in the reception area for about 10 minutes... counting the chairs (8 of them) looking at all the stains in the carpet, playing follow that tear in the wall paper, I finally get called to go back to the chamber.

I get taken to this tiny room with everything covered in plastic. Even the plastic was covered with plastic! What ever happened to the tissue that they used? You know the stuff that when you sat on make the crumpling noise, and when you got up it would stick to you?

I set my purse down on the floor which was not covered with plastic...now why is that?It's okay if my purse gets dirty? And say... mind if I take some before and after pictures of this chair I am about to sit in because I want to remember how it looked before I dug my fingernails into it...

Half laying down in this uncomfortable recliner thinking why did I wear flip flops because every one knows the way your feet are hanging down they don't want to stay on so I am going to have to keep curling my toes, and fiddling with my feet to keep my shoes from flopping off!

Then here comes the bib around my neck...I think the hygienist must have read my blog because she put it on tighter than usual...um, could you loosen up that chain around my neck? You're choking me! And get my hair out of the way!!!

After numerous questions... the first one being how come you didn't want to fill this form out? Has any medical information changed?
NO... but she had to ask me all of them again... I guess just to make sure.

Then in comes the dentist... all happy with this big white smile! Did he just see what insurance company I had?

He sits down on the squeaky stool, snaps on his latex gloves, puts on his white mask, and starts asking me more questions...

Are those your teeth?

No I borrowed them from the neighbor because they were to chicken to come here!

How do you eat with those teeth?

I don't...I use them to open up beer bottles

Do you have Dental insurance?

Yep...do you have life insurance?


Let me get a medical history on you... (again)...Are you pregnant?

Am I pregnant? ARE YOU SERIOUS? me?...did you look at my birthday? The only think I am carrying is a Louis Vuitton bag! And why ask such a question...did I take a wrong turn some where,? Am I'm in the gyne office or is this something new...dentist's check every cavity?

Then the BIG question...what do you want to do today?

Well, that's not hard to answer...how about winning the lotto, or a cruise on the Caribbean or better yet, anything but be sitting here!

Then comes the biggy...your teeth just aren't worth saving...you are going to need dentures! Um, yeah, right...

I think I went off in this daze because all kinds of things were going through my mind like a bad case of diarrhea...I can't use the excuse anymore... not tonight honey...I've got a toothache!No No No honey...don't drink water out of that glass! My teeth are in there! Yeah can you pick up a gallon of milk, some bread and a tube of Fixodent? No...I am NOT taking them OUT! I don't care if it is every man's fantasy! Do you have a drive up window so I can drop off my teeth to be cleaned? Or now when some one says "bite me" I can hand them my teeth, and say...here, bite yourself! Oh, and can I have different colors for the holidays? You know red, white and blue for the fourth of July? And don't forget to have some Billy Bob teeth made so I can freak people out at those fancy stuck up cocktail parties I hate going to! And oh yeah, some diamond studded teeth, maybe some gold caps in front because those are so fashionable now!

And then I have to post a classified ad...

Give Away to good home...1 toothbrush because according to my dentist it's been NEVER used!

I've got a decision to make in a split second, and I don't do decisions very good. It takes me a while to think of what I want. What do I do? And all I'm thinking is how fast can I run? Especially in these flip flops!

I let them do impressions, yeah the stuff that they claim tastes like spearmint, peppermint or whatever they claim to be the flavor of the day. I figure, this will buy me some more time to think about what I am going to do. Like...never coming back!

The nice hygienist says she's going to give me a new toothbrush...What? as a souvenir of my visit? It's probably got some cheesy advertisement on it...

I couldn't get out of that chair fast enough, and back out to the waiting room where Mr. Wonderful is standing there oh yeah...with a stack of appointment cards in his hand. Seems like they told him their plans before I was able talk to him. I have another appointment in 2 1/2 weeks...If they really want me to come back, they should have made the appointment sooner!

So, we are standing there and I say, I really need this one tooth taken care of right away, and Ms. Witch says to me...are you sure?Is it worth spending the extra money? I didn't have to hesitate one second before blurting out yes it is! I don't care how much it costs! I want this tooth fixed! And so she says the first appointment for that is October! Yes, a month away! Forget it...I'll go someplace else~

We leave, and I am fit to be tied...Mr. Wonderful asks what I want to do, and I said... I need to go shopping! Because that was the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better! I need to buy something I don't need, want or can use. Something tacky would be nice!

Before we headed back home, we went and had lunch. Now can you think of a better thing to do after you just went to the dentist? Was this going to be my last meal with my own choppers?

I was so glad to be back home...will I keep that next appointment? I don't know...I have to think about this really hard! I'm having a lot of Dental Anguish!

And where's my new friggin' toothbrush?