I'm eating lots of garlic tonight

because...I have to go to the DENTIST tomorrow!

I can't think of anything worse than GOING TO THE DENTIST! And yours truly will be sittin' in the dental chair tomorrow having my mouth probed, and prodded as I sit there in pools of sweat, feeling my heart racing, wondering if I bite him, will he not hurt me?

I have been putting off this visit for some time because well, I just don't like the dentist...I don't like needles, drills,the sharp pics or having my tongue pressed down with a wooden spatula.

I don't like the taste of cotton in my mouth unless it's from a nasty hangover. And BTW, that stuff you said tastes like peppermint... tastes like horse shit.

I don't like the paper bib they put around your neck because it always gets tangled in my hair, and when it comes off it rips a few hairs with it!

I don't like trying to keep my mouth open for several minutes without swallowing, and then drooling out the side of my mouth, down my chin and feeling saliva on my neck wetting the collar of my shirt.

I don't like those little plastic xray films they put in your mouth that cut into your gums and you have to sit still until the hygienist returns after fifteen minutes while she gets as far away from the radiation, but I'm safe because of that heavy apron they lay across you, and I'm thinking, who shut off the air conditioning?

Then the dentist comes in with a BIG magnifying mirror so you can look at the inside of your mouth and your disgusting teeth...Hey, I know what they look like, you don't so get that mirror out of my face!

And as long as he's got the magnifying gear on, why doesn't he pluck my eye brows because he just made it clear with the bright lights and magnifying glass, I'm in dire need of massive plucking, and while your at it Doc, can you check my nose and see if I got any wild hairs sprouting?

The good news will be that I need a root canal, implants, extractions, or dentures...so what's the bad news? I won't be getting a new toothbrush because they don't give them out anymore? How about a piece of Carmel sitting out in that bowl that resembles a big tooth out on the counter? Or see you in 6 months because your insurance company pays well.

I don't like the dentist...Never have... never will change my mind. I would rather give birth to an adult elephant or listen to someone scratch a chalk board with their fingernails! I would rather eat glass, and have a warm piss chaser to wash it down...I would rather cut up all of my 57 credit cards...oh wait, that's a bit extreme! Now I'm out of control! Well, I think you know by now how I feel about the DENTIST!

And who ever thought up that slogan so many dentist's use...Gentle Dentistry? There's no such thing so don't try and bull shit me! It's to lure innocent victim's in oral horror!

So, I wonder, who cleans Dentist's teeth? Do they do it themselves, and if it hurts they know to use that technique on the next patient? Or do Dentist's practice "Gentle Dentistry" only on each other because if you have ever noticed, Dentist's always have nice teeth!

I just wonder what goes through the dentist's mind as he sitting there on that squeaky stool, examining the inside of my mouth...ripping my lips apart, Can he smell the garlic I ate last night? Pay back's a bitch ain't it? Hurt me and I'll chew right through that awful tasting latex glove of yours!

And what's with that mask they wear? Did they just get done robbing a 7eleven? Oh wait, it was the patient before me! Or is it so I can't smell HIS bad breath...Phew!

And is he thinking...I wonder what color leather interior I'll pick out for that new Lamborghini I'll be getting after this insurance claim goes through, and she's done paying her out of pocket expenses?

Then comes the most painful experience of all...you got to wait until they check to make sure your insurance will pay for all of this dental work, and then you gotta come back in a week and do this all over again!

Dr. Seuss should have wrote a book about going to the DENTIST...I don't like them, Not even with Green Eggs and Ham!

So, tomorrow is dental death day for me, my most biggest fear... THE DENTIST!

When he takes the "before and after" pictures, I'll make sure I get an 8x10 glossy, four 5x7 suitable for framing prints, and 32 wallet size to hand out to my closest friends, and gee don't forget to print me up some Valentine Cards so I'll be sure not to get one stinking box of chocolates next year!

And to you Mr. Wonderful... don't be reminding me tonight that I have to be ready in the morning because I know... I have to go to the DENTIST! And you mention it one time you'll be seeing your teeth listed on eBay!

Have a Pink day tomorrow?
Yeah...My A$$