Fat Tuesday

I got up this morning, like I always do and get on the scale before I have had any coffee, and after I have, well...I won't go into detail, but I am sure you can guess. I don't know... maybe I am a glutton for punishment because every day the numbers on the damn scale never seems to go down... even if I starve myself!

This morning, I got on the old health o meter digital and a message pops up...it says, "LO". Was it telling me my weight was low? Or maybe my eyeballs weren't focused and it said "HO" like, get on and off fast three times and it's laughing at me...Ho Ho Ho...or maybe I have reached the weight of Santa? Or maybe it said "MO" like I gained mo' weight? Who knows with these new digital inventions.

I got out my pink peepers, and flipped the scale over to read the trouble shooter guide on the back. Oh... "LO" means "low battery" (I knew that) so I proceed to read on...

Battery Installation
1. Make sure you can obtain a 9-volt Alkaline battery...like they are hard to come by? I went to the "battery drawer" and obtained a 9-volt battery. Step one done...
2. Turn scale over and remove battery holder by pulling back and lifting the tab... I turn the scale over thinking I am reading the under side of the scale so I flip it over again and I find nothing...I flip it over again, and there it is on the same side as the instructions that told me to turn it over...confusing? Yes, when you haven't had any coffee yet, and not quite awake! So, I find the battery holder and remove it. Step two done...
3.Place battery (see diagram on battery holder) making certain that the + and - terminals are positions correctly...Now, if anyone has ever installed a 9-volt battery, there isn't any way you can install it wrong! Step three done...
4. Remove battery holder...And then what do I do? Why would I remove it? Don't I just stuff the battery back in and close the cover? Who writes these directions? Step four done...

Then it goes into steps for Scale Use...like I don't know HOW to use the scale???

Last at the end there's a big warning...
CAUTION: STEPPING ON THE SCALE BEFORE ZERO APPEARS CAN CAUSE INCORRECT WEIGHT READING! At least it's not hazardous to my health, and the Surgeon General didn't write it, but then I think, well crap, maybe that's what I have been doing wrong all this time! I might weigh less after all!

I carry the scale back into the bathroom, place it on a level spot on the tile, strip down nekkad, hold my breath and close my eyes as I mount the health o meter. I wait a couple seconds, open my eyes and low and behold, I am five pounds heavier!

Gonna go have my coffee then I'm puttin' back in the old battery!