The "Slim" Suit

That's right Flamingal's...they make such a thing! Now if you ever had to experience the pain of having to buy a swim suit past the age of 40, it's more depressing than anything I can even think of, and you all know, I think a lot!

I have looked through catalogs, online, offline, in stores, etc., and I can't find one suit that suits me or should I say...my over the hill body. I am to old for a itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini, I won't even dare to be seen in one of those bathing suits that look like a mini skirt, and what's a tankini? Every suit I looked at wasn't going to cover up my flaws like I was hoping. I need a miracle suit! Maybe like a body suit, you know like one big stocking that holds every thing in, and you get an instant suntan! Like pantyhose! Hmmmm....

So, first I thought I figured out what to do...I told Mr. Wonderful that he's gonna need to buy a new bathing suit. He says, I don't need one because I already have one... Not anymore! I'm wearing it! Yep, his trunks are long enough to cover up the cellulite and flab on my legs, built in undies, (now why don't women have those?) and they even have pockets to keep my inflatable flamingo coolie in! Slip into one of his dago Tee's, and I'm ready to take the plunge!

Then I run across this, and I'm sucked in...

Look and feel your beautiful best. This Slim suit is designed with a black-and-white pattern that slashes downwards towards the middle--creating diagonal lines that contour and control. The convertible straps can be worn straight or crossed in the back. Floating under wire and a shelf bra support and enhance the chest. Low-mid scoop back. Mid-cut leg openings. Fully lined.Thanks to a patented control inner lining, this Slim suit will take at least 1" off your waist and stomach, lift the buttocks at least 1/2", and help slim your hip line, and increase your bust size.


Oh my gosh! The next best thing next to my Flamingo collection...a suit that is gonna make me look thinner and increase my boobs without surgery! Lift my saggy butt! I couldn't wait to order this sweet thing, the miracle that I have been praying for, and charge over $100.00 on the old dusty VISA card...

It arrives and I can't wait to try it on! If I look as good as it says, I will wear this out in public! Okay, I'm exaggerating on that one, but I'm going to have an inch taken off my waist instantly, and well, you know...


So, I get out this suit that looks like it's a toddler's size, and think how in the hell am I gonna fit into that? Low and behold, there are directions how to get into this Slim Suit. It sounded easy, but there weren't any illustrations or pictures because they can't show you how IMPOSSIBLE it is! I follow the directions to the tee, squeeze my fat body into this tiny spandex garment, and after sweating off about 5 pounds, and exhausted I glance into the mirror to see how thin I look...Well, I looked like a stuffed sausage only bulging out of the casing! It was like I was trying to wear something I owned back in the 70's when I was thirty pounds lighter! I looked disgusting, and couldn't wait to try to get this thing off of me...and of course there isn't any directions how to do that...It should say, Get someone to cut it off you~ or~Wear it until you lose 30 pounds tubby!


So, I get out my old stretched out comfy one piece suit that I have had for years. The one with all the elastic that is so brittle it crackles as I pull it on... it fits! Maybe if I lose 50 pounds, the Slim Suit will fit, and then I'll look anorexic~

I think the Slim Suit is for "slim" people only! Either that or it didn't fit because it wasn't PINK!